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A Teenager's Post Lockdown School Reflection

A Teenager's Post Lockdown School Reflection



Dear readers and fellow lovers of things,


This year has personally been eventful, not only due to lockdown. I have learnt a lot and gained perspective. Entering lockdown was scary. School was to an extent my lifeboat and if I hadn’t been for my hobbies, my schoolwork and one wonderful teacher (who kept in touch over email at the start of lockdown), I would have struggled initially. Lockdown hit everyone hard, didn’t it? Others were hit a lot harder than me.


I was one of the ‘lucky few’ anchored into a sense of normality by qualifying as a pupil who could attend school from the beginning of lockdown to the end of school in July. Being able to go to school has definitely been a highlight of this year. I willingly lost myself in my schoolwork, progressing in English and enjoying painting for Art. I ran yoga sessions with my director of pastoral care. I went on walks almost everyday with teachers at my school! If I was writing this blog post on paper the exclamation mark would be massive. I love teachers and being able to talk to them or to just listen to them talk was like being a kid in a sweet shop. Another teacher pulled some strings, gave me what I needed to garden in school and accompanied me on walks being her lovely self. If only I could get her to work less when we go back to school so I could absorb her wisdom and humour. A teacher that I mentioned before played board games with me for the whole day when I wasn’t feeling good. They let me steal them during numerous lunchtimes to walk and talk. I was praised for my resilience in personal matters and for my hard work by my head teacher on the last day of school. How much more perfect could it be? These memories are hot slices of sunshine and could make one of those 70s sun-kissed collections of short happy events that you find in music videos today. I had never felt so loved. I feel so loved. This love was pure, heartwarming, enveloping and I feel that no romantic poet could express it in words (Although if you do find one who has, please comment below and tell me about it!). It felt as if someone had held both of your hands in theirs, looked you candidly in the eyes and said ‘You matter’. An action that when thought about causes a tremor in my heart compelling me to tears (on one of my more emotional days). Tears of joy but also the tears of someone who is told that they can feel hurt and that it’s okay to cry and be upset, a balance between the two reactions that one finds hard to create.


It is this that brings me solace and whispers to me that the events of the past six months have been worth it throughout the day. Would I have become so close to the people I admire if it hadn’t been for lockdown?


I am also grateful for the gift of time I have been given. I like to listen to podcast by Oprah Winfrey and they routinely but appropriately mention at the start, ‘I believe one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself is time- taking time to be more fully present’. As lockdown limited the places I could go to I found myself having a lot of time. Time to read in the mornings. Time to not engulf breakfast in two minutes. Time to listen to the birds. Time to watch the sunsets and going to bed peacefully knowing that my work was manageable. Stress is a feeling that I left behind causing my internal monologue to appropriately say ‘You go girl!’. I didn’t have to worry about how tired I felt in the mornings. Up until lockdown I was thoroughly enjoying school but my life felt hectic. I distinctly remember my teacher inferring that she thought I should ‘do less’. I left her room in tears as I couldn’t comprehend that idea. I’m glad to look back at this memory and smile now. I still miss the buzz and rhythm of the day and the pleasure derived from doing lots of things but I am prepared to go back to school doing a bit less than I did before. Appreciating the things and people in life more. Living and being in the moment, or as Eckhart Tolle would put it, for simply being. 


Another benefit of lockdown is that I’ve learnt a lot myself. I should also add that I’m currently feeling quite tired of myself which I didn’t know was possible!  Waking up with so much independence and time to think and do has made me realise how I can feed off other people’s energy. I may find more nourishment in being alone in the future but I think it’s about finding a balance. More importantly I’ve learnt about who I cherish in life. Teachers are definitely included. I know I like having a close circle of friends who I love and who I know who love me. I want to surround myself with people who feel like sunshine, inspire me and those who reach out to me when they see my hurt. I am extremely fortunate to have people in my life who have the aforementioned qualities as well as recognising their presence. I can now take time out to strengthen my relationships with them and to rekindle any friendships (with people my own age!) which I have neglected to look after.


There have been stumbling blocks, moments of doubts and I have ‘strut and fret my hour upon the stage’. I have become tired of living in myself sometimes. I want to find joy in doing things for other people. I miss being selfless. I still don't have a strong idea of what I want to do in life which makes me feel lost. I miss being busy, feeling like I’m learning and doing things but that doesn’t stop me from appreciating lockdown and all it’s nourishing moments. I can use what I have missed as a basis for what I want to do when I go back to school, even though I’m not sure how that will look like at the moment.


I’m ready to learn and go back to school. Lockdown, I think it's time we parted (in a safe manner). It's not you... Oh wait it is you (and not me).


Take care,


The Pantophile.

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